Episode One: Are Jayfeather, Hollyleaf, and Lionblaze Secretly Leafpool and Crowfeather's Kits? (Contains spoilers)
Leafpool: Hi everyone! Welcome to the Warriors Rumors Show!
Leafpool: I'm the hostess, Leafpool. Every episode, we have a guest. Today our guest is...Jayfeather! Say hello, Jayfeather!
Jayfeather: *Sighs* Hello.
Leafpool: Looks like Jayfeather isn't in such a good mood right now.
Jayfeather: How could I not be? The cat I thought was my mother lied to me.
Leafpool: I understand that. Do you still think the prophecy is about you, though?
Jayfeather: No. I'm not Squirrelflight's son, so I can't be Firestar's kin. Lionblaze just happens to be good at fighting. I only have my dreams because I'm a medicine cat. Hollyleaf just happens to be...uh...really obsessive over the warrior code.
Hollyleaf: My preeeeeeeeccccccciiiiiiiooooooooooouuuuuuuuuussss...
Gollum: Hey! You quoted me without giving credit! I'm suing you! *Phones lawyer*
Leafpool: *Bats phone out of hands* Gollum, you're from Lord of the Rings! You can't be in Warriors! This is a talk show, not a crossover! Jayfeather is supposed to be our guest today, not you!
Gollum: Aww, but I wanted to be Gollumstar and lead GollumClan!
Leafpool: Great StarClan! Spottedleaf, help me!
Spottedleaf: You called, Leafpool?
Leafpool: Would you mind banishing Gollum to the Dark Forest?
Spottedleaf: *Does so*
Leafpool: Thank you! *Laughs nervously* Now where were we? Oh, yes. Jayfeather, who do you think are your mother and father?
Jayfeather: *No comment*
Leafpool: This is called a talkshow for a reason, you know!
Jayfeather: I don't care.
Leafpool: Suure you don't...anyway, many - if not most - fans think that Crowfeather and I are your parents. Any comments on that?
Jayfeather: Uh, sure, I guess I do look a little like Crowfeather. Do you think I'm mouse-brained?! How could I not have noticed by now that I look just like him?!
Leafpool: *Presses emergency button*
Security: *Drags Jayfeather out*
Leafpool: *Phones ThunderClan* *Whispering* Hi, Firestar. Is my sister there? Ok. *Silence for a minute* Squirrelflight? You know those anger management classes you signed Jayfeather up for? I don't exactly think they're helping. What?! He murdered the teacher?! Oh dear! *The theme music from a horror movie of your choice plays in the background - it stops when Jayfeather appears*
Jayfeather: *Hangs up phone* I'm going to kill you for being half-kittypet!
Leafpool: I'm not half-kittypet! My father is a ThunderClan cat just like me! Wait a second...you're not Jayfeather!
Not-Jayfeather: No, I am not! *Takes off Jayfeather suit, revealing that he is in fact...Tigerstar!*
Leafpool: Tigerstar! I should have known it was you! *Presses emergency button*
Security: *Drags Tigerstar away*
Leafpool: Now, for the question this episode was supposed to be about. Are Jayfeather, Hollyleaf, and Lionblaze secretly Crowfeather's and my kits? We don't know! The Erins haven't written that yet!
Episode Two: Are Scourge, Socks, and Ruby Firestar's Half-Siblings? (Contains spoilers)
Leafpool: Hi everyone! Welcome to the Warriors Rumors Show! *Wearing a padded suit, boxing gloves, and a motorcycle helmet*
Leafpool: I'm the hostess, Leafpool. Every episode, we have a guest. Today our guest is...*shivers* Scourge! Say hello, Scourge! If you want to, that is?
Scourge: I am Scourge, mighty leader of BloodClan! I shall rule the forest!
Leafpool: Sorry, Uncs, you can't rule the forest. You're dead. Or I guess that would be 'Rumored Uncs.'
Scourge: *Sighs sadly* Yes, I know I'm dead, but just for today I've come back to life.
Leafpool: Why do you want to rule the forest?
Scourge: Because I'm evil.
Leafpool: Yes, we know that. How do you feel about having been a kittypet?
Scourge: I never want to be one again.
Leafpool: What do you think of your mother, Quince?
Scourge: I hate her, too. Even she loved Socks and Ruby more.
Leafpool: What do you think of Socks and Ruby?
Leafpool: Hey, there are kits in the audience!
Queens: *Get mad* *Take their kits and leave*
Leafpool: Sorry, she-cats! I see my rumored uncle has a bit of a sailor mouth.
Scourge: You've got that right.
Leafpool: What do you think of Tigerstar?
Scourge: He used me. I killed him. *Sticks tongue out*
Leafpool: So, do you think you're Firestar's kin?
Leafpool: ...Ok. Who was your father?
Scourge: I don't know. I never knew him.
Leafpool: Ah, but did he not have ginger fur like my father?
Scourge: *Narrows eyes* Maybe.
Leafpool: *Gets out cell phone* *Whispering* Firestar, do you have an extra padded suit? Oh, you don't? Who does? Call me crazy, but I'll phone them. *Hangs up* *Makes another call* Hi, Blackstar. This is Leafpool, the ThunderClan medicine cat.
Blackstar: *Can be heard yelling at Leafpool on the phone* WHAT?! DON'T CALL US AGAIN, YOU THUNDERCLAN MOUSE DUNG!
Leafpool: Yes, I know I'm mouse dung. Listen, do you have a padded suit I could borrow?
Blackstar: *Can't be heard this time* Yes, and I'll sell it to you for $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Leafpool: I don't think anyone has that much money. How about I pay you in invisible dollars?
Blackstar: Since I'm in a good mood, sure.
Leafpool: Alright, here's the number of my invisible credit card - 1, 2, 3.
Blackstar: *Gives her suit*
Leafpool: Thanks! *Under breath* Sucker.
Scourge: *Clears throat* This is supposed to be about me.
Leafpool: Oh, yes. Do you know if you're Firestar's kin?
Scourge: Well, apparently the Erins confirmed it, but I don't believe them.
Leafpool: Why haven't you destroyed anything today?
Scourge(?): Because I am really...*Takes Scourge suit off* Brambleclaw!
Leafpool: Ok, that's getting old. Where's the real Scourge?
Genie: *Appears all the way from the world of Aladdin* Didn't I already tell you? No wishing for more wishes. No making anyone fall in love. And I can't bring people OR cats back from the dead!
Leafpool: I won't say this again. Brambleclaw, no impersonating other cats. Genie, you're not a Warriors character!
Brambleclaw: Aww, but I love dressing up as Scourge! Pretty please? *Goo-goo eyes*
Leafpool: Ok, Brambleclaw, you're being very OOC. Go away!
Brambleclaw: *Runs away crying* MOMMY!
Real Scourge: Sorry Leafpool, I was stuck in traffic.
Leafpool: Since when do cats drive? Your name's not Toonces, is it?
Scourge: I don't know. Anyway, I've been watching too much American Idol, so I'm going to sing the song Dreams Dreams. Only it's MY version of Dreams Dreams!
Scourge: And you're singing it with me.
Leafpool: Um, ok.
Sparrowsong: I do not own Dreams Dreams. Neither does Leafpool, Scourge, Brambleclaw, or even Blackstar. And no, Genie, you don't own it either.
Scourge: In a nightmare I could see You are dead Anytime, anyplace I can see your um...PURE EVIL! You're that evil one That I have been waiting for So that I can Kill you!
Leafpool: In my nightmares I can hear you killing Tigerstar In the night, Everything's so deadly In your eyes I feel there's so much evil inside
Scourge and Leafpool: In the nights, nightmare horror
I want to see you dying there
In the nights, nightmare horror
I've found someone who really hates me
In the nights, nightmare horror
I want to see you um...in pain!
In the nights, nightmare horror
You're the one I murdered
Leafpool: In a dream we can kill
Anyone that we want to
There's nowhere I'd rather be
But the Place of No Stars
The stars above DON'T light the way
For you and I
I'm so glad I murdered the one
I've been looking for
Scourge: Keep the um...hatred?
Leafpool: Ok, that's it. I quit this job!
Brambleclaw: But Leafpool, who's going to be the hostess?
Leafpool: I don't know or care.
Yellowfang: Fine, I'll be the hostess.
Episode Three: Will the Fourth Apprentice Be Whitewing and Birchfall's Kit?
Yellowfang: Hi. I'm a grumpy old medicine cat.
Audience: HELLO, GRUMPY OLD MEDICINE CAT. WE LIKED THE OLD HOSTESS, LEAFPOOL, BETTER.
Yellowfang: *Makes a face* I'm the new hostess, Yellowfang. Every episode, we have a guest. Today we have...two guests, Dovekit and Ivykit! Say hello, Dovekit and Ivykit!
Dovekit and Ivykit: *Come out*
Ivykit: Hello, audience. We're kind of busy right now.
Yellowfang: You aren't busy, little kits! You're on a talk show!
Ivykit: But we're fighting.
Yellowfang: Oh...why are you fighting?
Dovekit: Over who the Fourth Apprentice is.
Yellowfang: That's...huh. That's interesting.
Ivykit: Yeah, interesting.
Yellowfang: Ok, now who is the Fourth Apprentice?
Ivykit: That's the point!
Yellowfang: That makes no sense.
Dovekit: Anyways, we're not apprentices yet. So there's no way of knowing until we're Dovepaw and Ivypaw at the earliest.
Ivykit: Didn't we tell you? We're fighting over who the Fourth Apprentice is.
Dovekit: It's me of course.
Ivykit: No way, it's me!
Dovekit: We can't both be the Fourth Apprentice. Otherwise it would be the Fifth Apprentice.
Dovekit: *Dies* *Goes to StarClan* *Is dead*
Yellowfang: Gah! You...you killed Dovekit!
Ivykit: I know.
Yellowfang: Wait a minute...we now know who the Fourth Apprentice is! This has been another exciting episode of The W...
Tigerstar: *Bursts in* Stop right there, Yellowfang! This isn't over yet!
Yellowfang: Oh, it isn't? ...Why?
Tigerstar: *Steps onto stage followed by Brambleclaw, Tawnypelt, Goldenflower, Mothwing, Hawkfrost, Sasha, Rowanclaw, Flamepaw, Dawnpaw, Tigerpaw, and Mudkit (my OC, Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw's daughter)* Because the Tigerstar family tree is going to get together and have a dance party!
Yellowfang: Fine, you can have your family reunion/dance party. I'm leaving. *Leaves*
Audience: *Throws tomatoes* BOO!
Tigerstar: First up, we're doing Caramelldansen!
Mudkit: Sparrowsong doesn't own that song! She owns me, though.
Goldenflower and Sasha: *Fight over who gets to do it with Tigerstar*
Tigerstar: Since you're not in Firestar's filthy Clan, I choose...you, Sasha!
Tigerstar and Sasha: *Do the Caramelldansen dance together*
Goldenflower and Brambleclaw: *Do the dance together*
Tawnypelt and Rowanclaw: *Do the dance together*
Hawkfrost and Mothwing: *Do the dance together*
Flamepaw and Dawnpaw: *Do the dance together*
Tigerpaw and Mudkit: *Do the dance together*
Tigerstar and Sasha: Doodo doo-oo
Goldenflower and Brambleclaw: Yeah-eah-eah
Tawnypelt and Rowanclaw: Vi undrarar ni redo alt vara med
Hawkfrost and Mothwing: Armarna upp nu ska ni fa se
Flamepaw and Dawnpaw: Kom igjen
Tigerpaw and Mudkit: Hvem som helst kan vara med
Tigerstar and Sasha: So ror pa era fotter
Goldenflower and Brambleclaw: O-a-a-a!
Tawnypelt and Rowanclaw: Och vicka era hofter
Hawkfrost and Mothwing: O-la-la-la!
Flamepaw and Dawnpaw: Gjor som vi
Tigerpaw and Mudkit: Till denna melodi
Tigerstar and Sasha: Oh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
Goldenflower and Brambleclaw: Dansa med oss
Tawnypelt and Rowanclaw: Klappa era hander
Hawkfrost and Mothwing: Gjor som vi gjor
Flamepaw and Dawnpaw: Ta nagra steg at vanster
Tigerpaw and Mudkit: Lyssna och lar
Tigerstar and Sasha: Missa inte chansen...
Security: *Comes and kicks them out*
Audience: BOO! BOO! WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE HOSTESS NOW?
Mudkit: I'll be the hostess.
Audience: *Not happy about having a kit for a hostess* AH WELL, AT LEAST WE HAVE A HOSTESS.
Mudkit: This concludes another random episode of The Warriors Rumors Show.
Episode Four: Will Blackstar Go To the Dark Forest When He Dies? (Contains spoilers)
Mudkit: Hi everyone! Welcome to the Warriors Rumors Show!
Mudkit: I am Mudkit, your new hostess.
Audience: HELLO, LITTLE KIT! WE LIKED YOUR AUNT BETTER, BUT ALRIGHT!
Mudkit: *Pouts* Every episode, we have a guest. Today our guest is...RiverClan's deputy, Mistyfoot!
Mistyfoot: *Comes out*
Mistyfoot Fans in the Audience: *Go crazy*
Crazy, Super-Obsessed Fanboy/Stalker: *Grabs Mistyfoot's leg and pulls her into the audience*
Security: *Comes and arrests fanboy*
Mistyfoot: *Gets back onto stage*
Mudkit: Mistyfoot, is it true that Blackstar killed your brother?
Mistyfoot: *Cries* Y-y-yes, he did...
Mudkit: I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think he should go to the Place of No Stars/Dark Forest when he dies?
Mudkit: ...Are you being emo today, Mistyfoot?
Mudkit: *Sighs* I'll let the audience ask our emo friend here a question.
Grey tom in the audience: *Raises paw*
Mudkit: Yes, Darkpaw?
Darkpaw (Stormfur and Brook's son): What will you do when you become leader, Mistyfoot?
Mistyfoot: *Evil grin* I can't wait for that old hag, Leopardstar, to croak. And when she finally does, I shall KILL YOU!
Mudkit: I see Mistyfoot forgot to take her medication for her Multiple Personality Disorder.
Mistyfoot: *Becomes her cheerful personality* Hello, little kitten! *Hugs Mudkit*
Mudkit: L-l-l-let m-m-me g-go...you're...cho-k-king...me...
Mistyfoot: *Lets Mudkit go* *Reverts to evil self* BWA-HA-HA! WORLD DOMINATION!
Heronpaw (Darkpaw's sister, silver tabby she-cat with blue eyes): Mistyfoot, I don't think you want to kill us.
Mistyfoot: Oh? Why not? I shall crush you all when I achieve...WORLD DOMINATION!
Heronpaw: Because I'm Silverstream's granddaughter. Don't I look like her?
Mudkit: So, will Blackstar go to the Dark For--
Mistyfoot: WHY THE *BEEP* SHOULD I KNOW OR CARE?! HE PROBABLY WILL, BUT LIKE I SAID, I DON'T KNOW OR CARE!
Mudkit: *Unplugs ears* O...kay...then.
Mistyfoot: *Sobs* WAAAAAAAAAAA! I'M SOOOO EEEEEEMMMOOOOOOO! FFFEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL SSOOOOOOOOORRRRRYYYYYY FFFFOOOOOOORRRRRR MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Mudkit: I quit. *Leaves*
Audience: AWW! WE LIKED YOU! YOU WEREN'T AS COOL AS LEAFPOOL, BUT YOU WERE SO CUTE! WHO WILL BE OUR NEW HOSTESS NOW?!
Darkpaw: Well, it's not going to be me. And I sure hope it's not Mistyfoot.
Everyone: *Looks at Heronpaw*
Heronpaw: *Sighs* Fine, I'll be the new hostess. Due to Mistyfoot's emo-ness, we still have no clue where Blackstar will go when he dies. Anyway, this concludes another emo (if not fairly short) episode of...The Warriors Rumors Show!