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Foxpaw's Guide to Being Reasonably Insane

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All songs used in this fanfic I don't own.

1. During a Gathering, after a Clan leader reports their news, Run out screaming "Andre! Andre! I've got the secret information!"

Onestar: In Windclan, we have appointed one new warrior, Rabbittail.

Cats: Yay!

Onestar: That is all Windclan has to report.

Foxpaw: Andre! Andre! Get the coptor ready I got the secret information! *runs away*

Firestar: What did Squirrelflight do wrong?!?


2. While sharing tongues, have arguments with yourself

Foxpaw: *Shares tongues with Toadpaw* Why do I share tongues with this loser?

Foxpaw: Toadpaw is nice!

Foxpaw: You would think so you overweight pansy!

Foxpaw: Oh no you di'int

Foxpaw: Oh yes I di'id

Foxpaw: Take this Dogbreath! *Bites leg*

Foxpaw: Oww! Take this! *Scratches face*


3. Find new and creative excuses not to clean out the elder's bedding.

Squirrelflight: Go clean out Longtail's bedding

Foxpaw: I can't

Squirrelflight: Why not?

Foxpaw: It interferes with my religious beliefs

Squirrelflight: Then go check Mousefur for ticks

Foxpaw: Nope, I have a disorder in which I spazz out at anytime.

Squirrelflight: o_0


4. Run into the Leader's den and explain that you have to leave the forest.

Firestar: *loving himself* la di dah di dah *Foxpaw runs in*

Foxpaw: They've found me! I have to leave the forest!

Firestar: Bye

Foxpaw:...


5. At a clan meeting, bring things to throw at your leader

Firestar: I have called this meeting to- *gets hit by tree trunk*

Foxpaw: hehehe

Firestar: *Glares at Foxpaw*

Foxpaw: It was Daisy!

Firestar: Yaaaaahhhh!! *kills Daisy*

Foxpaw: hehehe!


6. Find fun ways to use your dirt.

Foxpaw: *holding a ball of dung* Go Pikachu!

Icepaw: *hit with dung* What the!?!

Foxpaw: Yes!

Icepaw: Why did you through your dirt at me.

Foxpaw: (whisper) Gotta catch'em all Gotta catch'em all

Icepaw: What?

Foxpaw: (louder) Gotta catch'em all Gotta catch'em all! (louder) Gotta catch'em all Gotta catch'em all!


7. At night, get up and move to a different nest every 5 min

Foxpaw: *Yawns* time to move

Berrynose: *Foxpaw sits on him* Ow! What the crap!

Fowpaw: What's your deal?

Berrynose: Um it's my nest! What are you even doing in the warriors den?

Foxpaw: *clearly offended* Uhh, It is my right as a citizen of these United States that I am free to sleep where I please.

Berrynose: We live in Europe!

Foxpaw: No wonder you're so rude


8. While training, comment on how good your mentor looks that day (more effective if mentor is the same gender)

Squirrelflight: Today we will be going over border tactics

Foxpaw: You are looking fine today

Squirrelflight: Excuse me?

Foxpaw: You're pelt is so glossy Mrrow

Squirrelflight: I have a mate

Foxpaw: You're smell so good

Squirrelflight: You're creeping me out

Foxpaw: Don't fight it babe


9. At a Gathering, get everybody to do the wave

Firestar: Thundercl-

Foxpaw: Put your hands in the air and wave' em like you just don't care I say hey-o hey-o I say hey-o hey-o!

Cats:...

Foxpaw: What is wrong with this crowd

Blackstar: WHOO! *claps* Go Foxpaw!

Foxpaw: Thank You!


10. Speak in a different language. If you don't know one, make one up!

Honeyfern: Hey Foxpaw!

Foxpaw: Hola sinorita! Como estas?

Honeyfern: Uhh...

Foxpaw: Mios ti porifera eh mamosita?

Honeyfern:...bye... *walks away*


11. Tag Team Testing

Squirrelflight: Okay, are you ready for your assessment?

Foxpaw: Yep!

Rosepaw: *runs in and tags Foxpaw*

Squirrelflight: Stop Foxpaw!

Foxpaw: What?

Squirrelflight: What is all this about?

Foxpaw: it's tag team testing, DUH!

Squirrelflight: V_V


12. Make cheat sheets for assessments. Be sure to bring the sheets to the WRONG assessment

Squirrelflight: What is the difference between hunting rabbits and hunting mice?

Foxpaw: Uhh.. *looks at cheat sheet* Yarrow?

Squirrelflight: What? *looks at cheat sheet* this is a cheat sheet for Medicine, not hunting!

Foxpaw: I was wondering why it didn't talk about mice on it

Squirrelflight: Uhhh!


13. While on patrol, fake an orgasm

Foxpaw: *Sobbing*

Brambleclaw: why are you crying?

Foxpaw: *sobs* You see that tree?

Brambleclaw: ...yea

Foxpaw: well, it just *sobs* moves me so much *sobs* NATURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!


14. Make strange noises to get people to stare

Foxpaw: gudbsjepu

Toadpaw: What is that?

Foxpaw: shekjfhusfgsj

Thornclaw: *pelt bristles*

Foxpaw: Rosepaw! Stop scaring everyone with those noises!

Rosepaw: But I-

Foxpaw: Stop making excuses!

Rosepaw: But-

Foxpaw: OUT!

Rosepaw: *slinks away*

Foxpaw: Kids!


15. Dress like your mentor

Foxpaw: *pelt is painted dark ginger* Hey Squirrelflight!

Squirrelflight: Hey Foxp- OH MY GOD!

Foxpaw: Hey girlfriend! You like? I'm like so fab now!

Squirrelflight: How did you change you're pelt color?

Foxpaw: You don't need to know

Squirrelflight: *looks at sky* What did I do to deserve this?


16. Carve cryptic messages into rocks on the way to the Moonpool

Foxpaw: *carving into rocks* hehehe! *leaves*

Leafpool: *looks at a rock* 'Kick Brokenstar's head at Moonpool' *shudders*

Willowshine: *looks at another rock* 'When at the Moonpool, instead of touching water with nose, DIVE IN!'

---At Moonpool---

Willowshine: *jumps into pool* Ah! no wonder we're not allowed to swim in this, it BURNS!

Leafpool: Shut up! *dreams*

---Place of No Stars---

Leafpool: Yo Brokenbutt! Come out!

Brokenstar: What do you want *gets hit in face* Ow! That was hot babe!

Leafpool: Be my mate!

Brokenstar: OK!

Foxpaw: How did this become a happy ending?


17.On the log on the way to Gatherings, walk REALLY slow

Foxpaw: I'm ready

Lionblaze: Move faster!

Foxpaw: Make me!

Lionblaze: *leaps at Foxpaw but misses and plunges into the river*

Foxpaw: Sucker!


18. Tell the leader that there is a code 3 in the nursery and see what happens

Fowpaw: Firestar! There is a Code 3 in the nursery

Firestar: Oh no! *goes out on the Highledge* Everyone! Daisy has peed in the Nursery! Evacuate the camp immediatly!

Cats: AHHHHHHH! *Running to exit*

Brambleclaw: MY EYES!

Foxpaw: ^_^


19. Disquise yourself and go up to a cat and say 'I haven't seen you in so long' and see if they play along

Foxpaw: *pelt painted dark brown* Hey Heathertail! It's been so long!

Heathertail: Uhh... yeah! How've you been?

Foxpaw: Good *glares at Breezepelt* Who's this?

Heathertail: He's my uhh-

Breezepelt: I'm her mate!

Foxpaw: YOU GOT ANOTHER MATE!

Heathertail: What are yo-

Foxpaw: WE ARE LIKE SOOOOO OVER!!!


20. Get a black cape and pretend to be Batman

Foxpaw: I am Batman *hums batman theme song*

Icepaw: Where did you get the cape?

Foxpaw: She's on to us! Come Robin to the Batcave! *drags Toadpaw away with him*


21. Get lost in another clan's forest

Tawnypelt: What are you doing here

Foxpaw: Who are you?

Tawnypelt: Do you need help?

Foxpaw: Why won't you people just leave me alone!?! *runs away*

Tawnypelt: Glad I left


22. Ask cats what gender they are, afterwards laugh hysterically

Foxpaw: Firestar, are you a boy or a girl?

Firestar: Boy

Foxpaw: HAHAHAGGAGAGAHAGAHGAGAHAGAH!

Firestar: What's so funny?

Foxpaw: ... HAHAHAHHAAGAGAGAHAGAHAGAHGAHAGAHAGAHA!

Firestar: O.O


23. Pretend you're that guy from the Salad Fingers movies on Youtube

Foxpaw: *walks into Riverclan camp* Hello

Reedwhisker: ...

Foxpaw: Do you have any spoons?

Reedwhisker: Uhhh...

Foxpaw: *takes out spoon* Rusty spoons feel so good on my salad fingers

Reedwhisker: I don't know what a spoon is

Foxpaw: Oh, okay then. Before I go, let me caress your kits. *starts rubbing kits*

Icewing: O.O

Foxpaw: Kits feel so good on my salad fingers


24. Be obnoxious and yell out answers while watching game shows

Ferncloud: Who Wants To Be a Millionaire is starting. Foxpaw, don't get over competative

Foxpaw: I'll control myself

--3 minutes later--

Foxpaw: GOD YOU IDIOT! RESISTANCE EQUALS VOLTAGE AND CURRENT NOU CURRENT AND VELOCITY

Ferncloud: ugh

Squirrelflight: Should have gotten him neutered when you had the chance


25. Be a Gangsta!

Foxpaw: Yo wuz up dog!

Poppyfrost: Uhh nothing I guess

Foxpaw: Don't be hatin dis playa!

Poppyfrost: Have you been reading your mom's Gaygirl magazines again?

Foxpaw: You challenging me to a gangsta showdown!?!

Poppyfrost: No! I wa-

Foxpaw: See if you can beat dis! (Thug Story music starts playing)

I'm like 8 foot 4, Ginger fur to the floor you shorties never thought I dreamed about rapping hardcore

no I ain't got a gun

no I never really been in a club

still live with my parents

but I'm still a thug''

I'm so gangsta you can find me baking cookies at night

you out clubbing, but I just made starling delight

F paw and t pain rappin on the same track

it's a thug story tell me can you handle that''

I had a dream last night I had high-top Nikes

I had diamonds in my mouth, and diamonds on my mic

by the time I woke I was singing "I'M ON A BOOOOAAT"''

cuz I'm a apprentice turned rapper

shorty I'm a make ya

straight to the top, yo

shorty I'ma take ya''

you can call me F Peezy now I'm a rap star

hey it's a thug story now tell them who you are''

Apprentice turned gangsta

you don't wanna fight me

straight to the top

in my extra small white tee''

F paw and t pain all up on the same track

it's a thug story tell now can you get with that''

what! what! I knit sweaters yo!

what! what! don't test me [bleep]''

hey hold on, hold on I didn't even say anything

WHAT?

I said "yo"

YUP

you guys bleeped me and I didn't even say anything

I didn't even swear

I DIDN'T EVEN SWEAR

hello??'

Poppyfrost: BYE! *runs away*


26. Become SPOCK (I just saw Star Trek)

Foxpaw/Spock: I am Spock!

Squirrelflight: Sure... great. Go clean out your mother's bedding

Fox/Spock: You insufferable little troll! My mother is dead!

Squirrelflight: She's not dea-

Fox/Spock: Don't you insult my mother! Just because she fell off a cliff and she was a human!

Squirrelflight: But I-

Fox/Spock: Don't you see my eyebrows, my ears, my hair! You should know never to insult Spock!

Squirrelflight: I wasn't-

Fox/Spock: DIE KURK! *Jumps at Squirrelflight


27. Put a banana in your ear!

Foxpaw: *haves a banana in his ear*

Icepaw: What are you doing?

Foxpaw: (music starts Put a banana in your ear Charlie the Unicorn) Put a banana in your ear!

Icepaw: A banana in my ear?

Foxpaw: Put a banana right into your favorite ear

It's true

Icepaw: Says who?

Foxpaw: So true

Once it's in your gloom will disappear

The bad in life is hard to hear when in your ear a banana cheers so go and put a banana in your ear!

Put a banana in your ear

Icepaw: I'd rather keep my ear clear

Foxpaw: Put a banana right into your favorite ear

It's true

Icepaw: Says you

Foxpaw: So true

Icepaw: PLEASE STOP!


28. Become a Vegetarian

Rosepaw: You wanna share fresh kill?

Foxpaw: What? No! I can't eat meat! I'm a vegetarian! (and I ain't f*** scared of him. Sorry I couldn't resist!)

Rosepaw: But what will you eat?

Foxpaw: Herbs... herbs I will eat

Rosepaw: But fresh kill is good

Foxpaw: WHAT!?! How would you like it if you were killed and eaten by some undeserving animal? Maybe even your bladder used to kill ticks!?! You make me sick

Rosepaw: ... whatever


29. Be dramatic at the Daylight Gathering

Blackstar: First match is between Dawnpaw and Foxpaw

Foxpaw: (before the match) This is it

Girl vs Boy

Female vs Male

Senorita vs Senor

Blue eyes vs Green

Ginger vs Cream

Predator vs Prey-

Blackstar: GO!

Dawnpaw: *pins down Foxpaw* Loser!

Foxpaw: No more dramatic speeches...


30. Knock knock jokes

Foxpaw: knock knock

Toadpaw: Whose there?

Foxpaw: wanda

Toadpaw: wanda who?

Foxpaw: wanda where I put my fresh kill?

Toadpaw: hahaha

Foxpaw: knock knock

Toadpaw: Whose there?

Foxpaw: Conrad

Toadpaw: conrad-ulations, you win!

-3 hours later-

Foxpaw: knock knock

Toadpaw:...

Foxpaw: sombrero

Toadpaw: sombrero who?

Foxpaw: sombrero-ver the rainbow! (somewhere up high! Somewhere over the rainbow, where bluebirds fly ^_^)

Mysterious Voice: Knock Knock

Foxpaw: (nervously) who's... there?

Mysterious voice: Police

Foxpaw: police... who?

Mysterious Voice: Police stop telling these bad knock knock jokes! A ha ha ha ha ha!

Foxpaw: Hahaha!


31. Say Goodbye

Foxpaw: It's been a good run,

It's been a blast.

I dearly hoped

That it would last.

I bid adieu

To those who've read.

Sad yowls I've wailed

And tears I've shed.

But it's about time

That I say,

Goodbye!

(Thank you to those who've been reading this story!)

The End!

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