Contains some violence, and extreme bizarre violations of physics and continuity.
FOUR CLANS FOREST TALK SHOW
Darkfire: Hello, and welcome to Four Clans Forest Talk, the only talk show in the forest for all your clan news.
(Stagehand whispers something into his ear)
Darkfire: I have just been told we are, in fact, the only radio talk show in the forest.
Darkfire: Today on FCF we have six guests: Brambleclaw, Squirrelflight, Leafpool, Crowfeather, Jayfeather, and Lionblaze. Hollyleaf was unavailable for comment.
Squirrelflight: I LIKE SHINY THINGS!!!
Crowfeather: Go. Away. Now.
Jayfeather: I see your dreams.
Lionblaze: I AM KING OF THE FOREST! BOW DOWN!
Darkfire: What do you have to say about this recent revelation?
Brambleclaw: I think this can be worked out sensibly if we just calm down and-
Jayfeather: Do I care?
Lionblaze: STILL KING OF THE FOREST HERE!
Darkfire: Never mind. Next question: Who killed Ashfur?
Squirrelflight: Soooooo SHINY!
Leafpool: (Still gone)
Crowfeather: (Still gone)
Lionblaze: MEEEE! I’M KING OF THE FOREST! MEEEEEE! LOOK AT ME!!!
Hobofur: I’ll just… leave then… (slinks away)
Darkfire: After that… um… blatant disregard for continuity, physics, and plotline…. our next question is: Why didn’t Firestar show up?
Firestar: (entering) I’m here! I was just making my pelt MORE SHINY. Which is IMPOSSIBLE.
Firestar: (nodding) My fur is so shiny and-
Squirrelflight: (jumping on Firestar) SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINY!!!! I MUST HAVE THE SHINIES!
Firestar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (runs away with Squirrelflight attached)
Lionblaze: A FIGHT? In my forest? ATTACK, NUNS OF ANTIOCH! (Runs after Firestar and Squirrelflight)
Jayfeather: Would you look at that. OF course, StarClan told me this would happen ages ago.
Brambleclaw: Does this mean I am… leader?
(A banner appears that says: BRAMBLESTAR W00T!)
Firestar: (Running past) Squirrelflight has only take one life so far! I’ve got (counts on paws before realizing that he doesn’t have opposable digits) two left!
Erin Hunter: As far as you know.
Darkfire: That was incredibly anti-climactic.
Brambleclaw: I am Bramblestar now!
Bramblestar: Now, ThunderClan! Go eat food!
Leafpool: (re-appearing). Yay for food!
Crowfeather: (fails to re-appear)
Jayfeather: Mice. I eat them. In your dreams.
Lionblaze: (running back into the room) King of the forest. Still. King. Of. The. Forest.
Bramblestar: Now ThunderClan: DANCE!
(Disco ball descends from the ceiling slowly)
Bramblestar: Yes, Squirrelflight. Shiny. By the way, you are now deputy!
Squirrelflight: (Slices Bramblestar’s neck open)
Squirrelstar: Yay for shiny.
ThunderClan (Except for Jayfeather, Leafpool, and Lionblaze): YAY FOR SHINY!
Squirrelstar: YOU! Random cat that may or may not be from ThunderClan! You are deputy!
(Lionblaze drops a rock on Squirrelstar, killing her nine times.)
Lionblaze: Who’s the new leader?
ThunderClan (Except for Cloudtail, Brightheart, Leafpool, Jayfeather, and Lionblaze): CHERRIES! CHERRIES!
Lionblaze: (Kills Hobostar) I think I should be leader.
Cloudtail: No, he’s far too qualified.
Lionblaze: That doesn’t seem like grounds for-
Firestar: I’m back.
Darkfire: I really don’t care how impossible that is.
(Suddenly, Firestar lights everything on fire. Somehow.)
Cloudtail: I DON’T LIKE FIRE!
Yellowfang: AAAAAA! (Runs away)
Darkfire: Ummmm, let’s end the show while we flee the studio! We’ll see you again soon if we can fix our studio! BYE!