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| Raven's crackfics | ||
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| Preceded by: None |
Firestar's Last Days | Succeded by: Jayfeather Breaks the Fourth Wall |
Firestar looked out at his camp from Highledge. The rising sun turned the rock walls orange, and the ThunderClan leader thought back to the fox that had injured Brambleclaw so badly that he was forced to retire. His new deputy, Cinderheart, was at the fresh-kill pile, sharing tongues with Poppyfrost. Firestar stepped to the edge of Highledge and called,
"Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather beneath Highledge for a Clan meeting!" ThunderClan gathered, murmuring confusedly. What was Firestar about to announce?
"You're all wondering why I've called you here," he said. "I called this meeting because it's time to do some things that I should have done a long time ago. Ferncloud?" The speckled gray queen stepped to the base of Highledge, confused.
"You have been in the nursery since Spiderleg and Shrewpaw were born, despite being pregnant or suckling for a fraction of that time. It's time to get off your lazy butt and move to the warriors' den!" Ferncloud stepped back into the ranks of her Clanmates.
"Daisy!" The cream-furred she-cat stepped to the front of the crowd. "You have done nothing but pop out kits and eat since you joined this Clan. You can move your lazy butt out of this camp! If we see you on ThunderClan territory after sunhigh, don't expect mercy." Spiderleg leaped up from his place and chased Daisy out of the camp. He came back panting.
"What'd you do that for?" asked Dustpelt. "Wasn't she your mate or something?"
"Who, Daisy?" said Spiderleg. "No, she only had my kits after the Erins picked my name out of a hat to be the father of her next litter. She means nothing to me."
"O-kay..." said Firestar. "Moving on. Millie, get up here!" The silver tabby she-cat stepped up.
"You're a ThunderClan cat, and you need a real name. You're Moonstripe from now on. And before you get mad at me, just remember that I could have given you some fanfictiony name like Tigerpoppy. Consider yourself lucky that your name makes sense. Meeting adjourned!"
Suddenly, Jayfeather came running in, dragging a huge stick with scratch marks behind him.
"Sticky tells me that the Erins are killing you off today, Firestar! Beware the author overlords!" The medicine cat sat down next to the stick, purring and grooming it. Firestar looked up at the sky, which was suddenly covered in deep gray clouds. Two familiar cats appeared on Highledge next to Firestar.
"Tigerstar!" he exclaimed. "Darkstripe?" Darkstripe narrowed his amber eyes and snarled.
"We'll finish him off once and for all, right Tiggy?" Tigerstar twitched his whiskers and prepared to hurl himself at Firestar.
"Right, Stripey. Now it's time to join StarClan, kittypet!" Firestar wasn't prepared for Darkstripe leaping on his shoulders and pinning him down. Tigerstar gave him a death-bite to the throat. The leader lay still. Darkstripe prepared to release the leader, but Tigerstar said,
"Wait, Darkstripe. We don't know how many lives he has left." But the ThunderClan leader was dead for good. Tigerstar laughed evilly.
"Stripey, aren't you glad we started the Sue Patrol?"
"Yeah, Tiggy! Think of all the Mary-Sues we've saved the forest from. The only one that's safe is Spottedleaf, because she's already dead!" The two cats walked away, tails twined, to kill another Mary-Sue. ThunderClan was shocked. They had never suspected that their leader was a Mary-Sue. Sure, he was a kittypet with unusual talent for hunting and fighting, and sure, everyone in the Clan except for the evil characters liked him by the end of the first book, and sure he got prophetic dreams from StarClan before he even knew they existed, but wasn't that just because he was a main character? Everyone was so confused. Cinderheart leaped up to the Highledge to retrieve her fallen leader's body.
"I shall go to the Moonpool tonight to receive my nine lives. Every cat loved Firestar (which should have tipped us off to his Sue-ness), and he will be dearly missed."
The day of the Gathering, Cinderstar sat on the Great Oak next to Mistystar, Blackstar, and Onestar.
"ThunderClan shall go first. Our leader, Firestar, was just killed. I received my nine lives and my name last night. The new deputy is Lionblaze, because the Erins said so. We will all mourn Firestar, but life must go on." Then, Mistystar did something unexpected. She laughed.
"Do you really think that anyone outside ThunderClan would actually miss that Sueish old furball? LOL!"
And, at the news of Firestar's death, there was much rejoicing.
Author's Note- Read the sequel, Jayfeather Breaks the Fourth Wall!