i just want to be
a savior
instead i feel like
a failure
part twenty three of Days Until Heartbreak
Dash and I became close friends in the next few days. Since Greta doesn't have an organized way of sending out patrols like Aura's group does, I just hunt with Dash instead. "Today, we're the hunters," Dash informs me, "Luckily Stone and Marsh were nearby so Greta assigned them to be builders and repairers today."
I sigh in relief. I had done some of the building and repairing work the other day and it was utterly exhausting. I'm glad that Greta usually places Dash and I in the hunting group unless there's really no other position left.
"How many pieces are required today?" I ask as we head outside.
"Greta says three per cat is fine. There are a few that are heading out for a journey so we'll have less cats tonight to feed. Plus the workload of the builders and repairers has been less since we've enarly covered everything in the camp." Dash does a quick round of stretches.
"Three will be easy," I yawn, "Where do you want to hunt?"
Dash shrugs, "You choose."
I glance towards the mountains. "How about near the Clear Pond?" I suggest. I like hunting near the edge of the Alcove's territory due to the fact that it was farther away from Aura's group. I had no desire to cross paths with them again.
"Fine with me."
We set out at a brisk pace. There's usually no rush but Dash and I like to see how fast we can catch all of our prey. Sometimes we even race some of the other hunters to see who could get back to camp first.
The Clear Pond is a good distance away so that we know that the other hunters won't be nearby. Since it's so far from the camp, not a lot of the Alcove hunters like to come out here to catch prey. Despite needing to walk such a far distance, the place is rather populated with prey, making it easier to get the number of catches we need.
"You go left, I'll go right," I hiss.
Dash nods quickly and heads off towards the left. I sniff the air, delighted to smell the warm smell of prey. I instantly spot a small rabbit chewing at the grass. Purring to myself, I stalk forward until I'm pretty close to it and lunge forward.
"One down," I smile as I quickly bury it.
The other two are easy to catch. Dash emerges soon after with his own catches and we head back to the camp. "What do you want to do when we're done?"
I ponder over that for a moment. "We could entertain the kits," I mew, "Or take a walk or something."
"You really want to play with those rascals again?" Dash's eyes sparkle with amusement.
"I like their attitude," I admit, "They'll make great hunters one day."
Dash rolls his eyes and I know we're agreed on it. I don't really talk to any of the other cats, so Dash is pretty much like my new best friend. "Do you think we'll beat the others this time?" Dash laughs as we draw near the camp.
"Definitely," I stride into camp confidentally, "We'll win to-"
"Sorry to disappoint you," White, one of the fastest runners purrs, "but I think we win."
I let out a huff and Dash pretends to collapse in shock. "Oh no! We lost again, Sari! What are we going to do?" He rolls over so his stomach is facing the sky.
"Play with the kits of course."
Dash flips over again and sighs. "I knew you were going to say that."
~
"Attack!" Glade charges at me. Her speckled gray pelt lights up from the rising sun and she tackles me. I pretend to groan and collapse on the ground as she pummels me with her small paws. "Russet, I got one!"
"I'm struggling with this one, help me!" Russet calls back from where she's battle Dash and Dusky. Glade looks up from where she is standing.
"I'm coming!"
Glade rushes off to help her siblings and I get up. "We got him!" Russet pants after a few minutes of wrestling with Dash. "Now let's haul both prisoners to the 'prison'!"
"What do you mean both?" I purr, "You only have one."
Dusky's eyes widen. "Glade you let her up!"
The speckled gray she-cat frowns. "But you and Russet needed help so I came to give you help," she pouts, "I can't get her again by myself!"
"Then we'll go together!"
The three siblings tumble towards me and I pretend to dodge. All three crash into me and I let out a yelp of mock surprise and fall to the ground again. But Dash rises and helps me sweep them off. "I think we win this time," Dash laughs.
Glade rolls her eyes and cheerfully calls for another round.
Now that I've joined the Alcove, I've suddenly realized that kits are a great thing. I love playing with them. And the only way you can have kits is by first, having a mate.
Maybe toms aren't such a bad thing after all.
~
"Hey, Sari," Dash fidgets nervously next to me. We're helping Greta watch the three orphans that we were playing with earlier. Since Greta doesn't go out much, other than to look for new recruits, she takes care of the kits. "Can I ask you a question?"
Glade, Russet, and Dusky are all sleeping now. They're worn out from the games Dash and I played with them earlier.
"Yeah, sure." I mew absentmindedly.
"I've been thinking about it for awhile," Dash sighs, "and I remember you telling me about a tom. Ice, right?"
I turn slowly. "What about him?"
The light brown tom looks away. "Do you still like him?"
I stare at him for a long five seconds. Logically, I'd never stopped liking Ice but Dash seems to be asking differently. It was as if he wanted to know if I was ever going to return to Ice.
"I don't know."
Dash's claws are digging into the earth. "Well...are you going to stay in the Alcove though?"
I want him to look me straight in the eye. When I don't reply, Dash continues. "I'm fifteen moons old; I've been living here for practically twelve moons. Most cats stay forever, only leaving occasionally to explore the outside world before returning."
"I don't know..." I repeat.
Dash raises his eyes to meet mine. "This has been on my mind since I first met you. I'm glad we met, and I'm glad we're partners in hunting now. But I don't get the same feeling from you that I know are coming from me."
I meet his gaze evenly and wait patiently for him to continue.
"I-I like you."
I know instantly what he means. Dash's eyes fill with worry. "I know it's sudden to say that considering you've loved another tom before for quite awhile, but I really wanted to express my feelings in case you decided to leave one day."
Dash shakes his head, "You don't like me, do you?"
"I don't like you in that way," I correct him, "You're a great friend, but that's all I see this as. Friendship." Something I haven't had in forever though.
The young tom lowers his gaze. "I knew it."
"Sorry," I murmur, "But I'd like to remain as your friend."
He smiles sadly, "I'll be your friend for as long as you stay here in the Alcove. Maybe...never mind."
I don't know what else to say to comfort him. But he doesn't say anything else either so we sit quietly for the remainder of that afternoon.
~
The next morning we head out again to go hunting. This time Dash suggests that we head for the forest. "Nobody has hunted there in awhile; there's bound to be some good prey."
"Yeah, guess so."
There's some sort of awkward tension around us. Dash acts like nothing has happened but we both know that something has happened.
"I'm going this way," Dash points his tail towards the denser area of the forest, "I'll meet you back here?"
I nod swiftly and turn my paws instinctively towards Aura's territory. I've grown used to calling it her territory and her group, rather than mine.
The hunt is going along rahter successfully until I hear the low growl of a badger. I stiffen. Swinging my head around, I survey my surroundings. I calculate what the best escape plan would be should the badger charge at me. Then I hear a whimper.
I know that voice.
Instead of trying to escape, I run straight towards the badger. "Face me," I hiss, even though I know the badger wouldn't understand.
It swings it's head in my direction and let's out a fierce roar. I keep going. I can see Patie now. She's too close to the badger, nursing a few deep wounds. I had to save her.
Her eyes widen when she sees me. "Sari!" she gasps, "Watch out!"
I duck under the badger's paw and try to clamber up onto it's head. It roars again and throws me off. I land hard on the ground, which knocks the breath out of me. I lay there, stunned for a moment. When I lift my head, I realize in horror what was going to happen.
"Patie!" I scream just as the badger crushes her.
The sickening sounds of bones being crushed fills my ear. That's when Aura and a group of rescuers appear. Immediately she spots me and her eyes darken.
They manage to fight off the badger. I slowly manage to lift myself from the ground. Aura's eyes fill with an unreadable expression and she spits out.
"You failure! You didn't even manage to save you old groupmate. What kind of she-cat are you?"
Her words strike at my heart and I sink to the ground again. I don't know when they leave but everything turns blurry from my tears. Dash's voice finds its way to me and he whispers over and over again. "It's going to be alright."
But I wish it was Ice.
Why can't I do anything right?
You failure!