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Crazy Crack Pairings

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Essay
This page contains a fan fiction written by Sparrowsong.
This page contains the opinions of the original author(s), and is not patrolled for factual accuracy.
Remember that this story is non-canon. It may contain false characters, plots, or locations.
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Chapter One: Hawkfrost/Mistyfoot

It was an ordinary day in the forest when all the dead cats, good and bad, suddenly came back to life. And then they fell in love - but with the wrong people!

Mistyfoot was out hunting when suddenly a brown tom appeared out of the blue.

"Hawkfrost!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" Hey he's kind of cute, she thought.

"I came back to life for no reason," said Hawkfrost.

"Oh," she said. "...Why?"

"Because I love you, Mistyfoot!" he cried like some dork in a cheesy romance movie. "I love you!"

"I love you too, Hawkfrost!" said Mistyfoot. Because suddenly, out of the blue, she did. "Even though I already had kits with some non-existant tom! And now that you mention it, none of my kits are in the story either!"

"Wanna be mates?" asked Hawkfrost.

"Sure," said Mistyfoot.

Then Tigerstar came back to life!

"Tigerstar!" cried Mistyfoot. "What are you doing here?"

"Hawkfrost," he hissed. "How dare you! You mated with Bluestar's kit!"

"I kill you," said Silverstream, who was suddenly alive but she was mentally insane. She murdered Tigerstar in a very non-gory fashion, and he was dead again.

"Silverstream!" cried Graystripe, who suddenly was not a ThunderClan cat anymore and thus allowed on RiverClan territory. "You're alive!"

Silverstream then regained her sanity. "I no kill you," she said. "Yo, Graystripe! Wazzup?"

"Well--wait a minute, WHERE DID HAWKFROST COME FROM?!" he screamed.

"I have no idea, but she's my new mate," he said proudly.

Graystripe died.

"Graystripe! No!" said Silverstream. She jumped in the river and was dead.

Then the Good Fairy came along.

"Little baby foo-foos, I don't want you dying on me," she said. "Now be good kitties and come back to life!"

"Ok," said Silverstream.

"Except not you, Tigerstar," said the Good Fairy. "Cuz we don't like you."

Chapter Two: Squirrelflight/Tigerstar

The Good Fairy was in ThunderClan camp, bringing back the good ThunderClan characters who died (Like Redtail, Spottedleaf, etc). Suddenly, Daisy and Spiderleg's son Toadkit somehow got ahold of her wand. He was playing around with it when he accidentally brought back the evil characters!

"What are Darkstripe, Brokentail, and Thistleclaw doing here?!" cried Firestar.

Then Brambleclaw looked very, very weirded out. "Dad?" he squeaked like a mouse.

"Tigerstar!" yelled Squirrelflight. Surprisingly, she ran over and nuzzled him!

Firestar threw himself in the lake.

"I hate my job," said the Good Fairy. She snatched her wand from Toadkit and brought Firestar back to life.

"Dad! How could you?!" said Brambleclaw. "You. Stole. My. Mate!"

Just then, Hollyleaf and Lionblaze came out. Jayfeather didn't because he was busy taking care of Toadkit, whom the Bad Fairy had given greencough as punishment for annoying her sister. Why the Bad Fairy would avenge the Good Fairy, I don't know.

Lionblaze's fur turned white. "D-Dad?"

"Yes?" said Crowfeather.

"Dad?" said Lionblaze, ignoring Crowfeather.

"Yes?" Crowfeather repeated.

"Yes?" said Crowfeather in a very irritated tone.

Leafpool bit Crowfeather hard.

"Are you mouse-brained, Crowfoodther?" said Leafpool. "They're supposed to be Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw's, remember? Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw's!"

"Brambleclaw, I'm divorcing you," said Squirrelflight.

"Uh, Squirrelflight?" said Hollyleaf. "Divorce is a Twoleg word. How do you know it?"

"I'm not sure," said Squirrelflight. "Go ask your father," she added while gesturing to Tigerstar, who was licking and nuzzling her.

"Squirrelflight, how could you mate with Tigerstar?" cried Firestar. "He murdered Sandstorm's father, Redtail!"

"Um, actually, Redtail isn't my father," said Sandstorm. "The Warriors website says that. How we suddenly know words like 'computer' and 'Mom and Dad?' I'm not sure. The Good Fairy must have told us or something."

"Google it," said a small blue-gray kit. "Here, use my laptop."

"Who are you?" asked Firestar.

"My name's Bluekit," she said. "I'm Hawkfrost and Mistyfoot's kit. I also have a brother, Oakkit. We're named for our mother's parents."

"I guess Mistyfoot's my new sister-in-law," said Squirrelflight. "Come on, Tiggy, let's encourage Lionblaze to murder Heathertail!"

"I don't care what happens to Heathertail," said Lionblaze smugly.

"WHAT?!" exclaimed Graystripe.

"She can have..." Lionblaze began.

Chapter Three: Heathertail/Herself

"Great StarClan!" said Crowfeather. "What is she doing?!"

"...Herself."

Heathertail was on the island licking and nuzzling herself.

"Oh, I love me, Heathertail!" Heathertail cried. "I love me!"

"She's madly in love with herself," Lionblaze explained.

"I'm my own mate!" said Heathertail. "Oh StarClan, I think I'm kitting!"

The queens came and covered their kits' eyes. After Heathertail was done acting weird, her four kits were born. They all looked exactly like her.

"These are Heathertailkit, Heathertaillovesherselfkit, Lionblazeisnuglykit, and Ohgreatstarclanheathertailisoutofhermindthankstothebadfairykit," said Heathertail. "They are all in love with themselves."

"Bwahaha!" cackled the Bad Fairy. "Yes, the not-so-hidden message in Ohgreatstarclanheathertailisoutofhermindthankstothebadfairykit's name is true! I made her go crazy! I made her fall in love with herself!"

"Who is the father?" asked Nightcloud. "I hope it was my son! Could you rename one of them to Heyleafpoolcrowfeatherisnightcloudsmatenotyourssobackofforelsekit, please?"

"She fathered her own kits," the Bad Fairy explained.

"Like I said before, I hate my job," the Good Fairy said. She killed the Bad Fairy and gave Heathertail her sanity back. Also, she changed it so that Lionblaze was the kits' father because she really liked the Heather/Lion pairing for some reason.

Or rather, she tried to do that. You see, it is against the Good Fairy's nature to kill. So she left Heathertail insane and in love with herself. And yes, Heathertail really did change Ohgreatstarclanheathertailisoutofhermindthankstothebadfairykit's name to Heyleafpoolcrowfeatherisnightcloudsmatenotyourssobackofforelsekit. Poor dude.

"Can we call him Heykit for short?" asked Onestar.

"I guess so," said Heathertail, shrugging.

Then Bluekit decided to cross over into WindClan territory for some reason. She fell in love with her reflection in the lake! She dived in and drowned.

The Good Fairy swore under her breath and brought Bluekit back to life. Only the Bad Fairy decided to interfere, so she got reincarnated as a squirrel!

"Hey, a squirrel!" said Onestar.

"Wait!" squealed Bluekit. "I'm the reincarnation of--"

When Mistyfoot realized what happened, she killed all of WindClan in a very non-gory fashion.

"That's it," said the Good Fairy. "I quit."

"But if you quit, who will be the Good Fairy?" asked Lionblaze.

"Tigerstar," said the Good Fairy. "From now on, he'll be the Good Fairy and I can just be a regular person."

Tigerstar's name changed to the Good Fairy. He was suddenly wearing a pink dress, glass slippers, and a tiara. He also had shimmery blue wings and a magic wand.

"What will your name be now, Former Good Fairy?" asked the new Good Fairy.

"Hmm...Gertrude," said the Former Good Fairy. "I will take on the art of wearing ugly purple shirts and smelling flowers. Sounds awfully relaxing. I mean, people - er, cats! I'm 344 years old! I need to retire sooner or later!"

The Good Fairy - ok, forget it, let's just call him Tigerstar - waved his/her wand and the Bad Fairy disappeared. But not before he/she made an unlikely couple fall in love!

Chapter Four: Brokentail/Brook and Tigerstar/Silverstream

After Tigerstar brought all the dead ShadowClan cats back to life, they suddenly decided to go to the mountains. Brokentail happened to stumble upon Stormfur and his mate, Brook Where Small Fish Swim!

"Brook I love you," he said. "Be my mate."

"I love you too, Brokentail!" said Brook. "Let's run off like Leafpool and Crowfeather did! I wanna leave stupid Stormfur, his stupid Clans, and my stupid Tribe behind! I am so unfaithful to my Tribe! I would gladly give up my mate and my Tribe name to be with you, some cat I just met!"

"Same here," said Brokentail.

Stormfur jumped off a cliff and went to join StarClan and the Tribe of Endless Hunting, like his sister Feathertail. Tigerstar did not try to bring him back.

"Little baby foo-foo, I would save you, but you are Graystripe's son," said Tigerstar. "As well as half-Clan. Not only that, your father stole my love, Silverstream!"

Squirrelflight burst into sobs. "Tiggy! How could you? You're supposed to love me!"

"Technically, he's my mate, not yours," said Goldenflower.

"What are you talking about?!" cried Sasha. "Tigerstar is my mate! I had two kits with him!"

Goldenflower murdered Sasha, Squirrelflight, and Silverstream in very non-gory fashions.

Tigerstar ran around sobbing and mourning his mates.

Brook shrugged and shared tongues with Brokentail. Brokentail purred and nuzzled her.

"Dear StarClan," said Yellowfang. Raggedstar rolled his eyes.

"Oh, uh, Stormfur?" said Brook. "Those kits I had with you? You're not really the father. Brokentail is."

But as I said before, Stormfur was with StarClan and the Tribe of Endless Hunting.

Yellowfang killed Brokentail and Brook. They went to the Place of No Stars together.

"Why did you kill him, Yellowfang?" asked Bluestar.

"Because his name is too similar to your son's," said Yellowfang. "That's like, against the warrior code or something."

"Thanks," said Stonefur.

"It's also the same reason nobody saved Bluekit," said Tigerstar. "Although, her mother did avenge her by killing all of WindClan."

"Oh, that's just great," muttered Silverstream. "Now both my kits are dead. Graystripe!"

"Yes, Silverstream?" said Graystripe.

"Our kits are dead," said Silverstream. "Let's have more."

Silverstream and Graystripe returned moons later with four kits, two silver and two grey.

"These are our kits," said Silverstream. "Silverkit, Graykit, Ashkit, and Smokekit."

"Ashkit? Are you nuts?!" said Brindleface. "You named your kit after Ashfur?! Sure, he's my son, but he tried to kill Jayfeather, Hollyleaf, and Lionblaze!"

Tigerstar set off a HUGE time bomb. Then everyone died and there were no survivors.

Or were there...?

Chapter Five: Thunderstar/Briarkit

All the StarClan cats were watching over all the chaos when Thunderstar made a startling announcement.

"I want to come back to life, like Cinderpelt!" he said.

"Uh, ok," said Starstar, the non-existant leader of StarClan. "Why?"

"Because I love some half-kittypet kit who was born several hundred moons after my death!" he said.

"..." said all the StarClan cats. At least, the sane ones. The insane ones, which was most of them, said "Googa-blooga boogity booger bloopers!"

Starstar shrugged. "Oh well, couldn't hurt to have one more insane cat!" Then Thunderstar came back to life.

Millie was in StarClan with her son Bumblekit and her daughter Blossomkit. They, like everyone else, had been killed by Tigerstar's bomb.

Did they survive???

"Where is Briarkit?" she asked.

"She was the only survivor of the explosion," explained Petalnose.

"Oh, my poor kit!" said Millie. "All alone out there, with noone to--"

"Actually, she isn't alone," said Lionheart. "Thunderstar is with her."

Millie looked very confused.

Back in the forest, Thunderstar was talking to Briarkit.

"Briarkit, I am in love with you," he said. "Will you be my mate?"

"Eh...sure," said Briarkit, shrugging.

"Good! I am rebuilding ThunderClan," he said. "As in, by gathering up a whole bunch of loners and kittypets. I'm appointing you deputy."

"Yay!" said Briarkit. "Can I choose my own warrior name?"

"Sure," said Thunderstar.

"Crowfeather took his name in honor of his dead mate, my half-sister Feathertail, right?" said Briarkit. "Well, I want to take the name Briarstorm in honor of my dead half-brother."

"Ok," said Thunderstar. He gathered up Princess, Hattie, Smudge, Barley, Smoky, and Floss to join the new ThunderClan. He changed them to Princessnose, Hattieleg, Smudgefur, Barleytail, Smokynose, and Flossheart respectively. Soon, they all quit and went back to their previous loner/kittypet lifestyles. Thunderstar was so sad that he killed himself. So did Briarstorm/kit.

Suddenly, who would fall out of her world, through her computer screen, and into her fanfiction but...the author, Sparrowsong!

"What the..." said Sparrowsong. "How did I end up in my own story while I was typing it?"

"I'm not sure," said Tigerpaw (Tawnypelt's son). "I sure hope you can get out of it."

"Me, too," Sparrowsong agreed. "I like writing weird stories like this, but actually being in one? Not so much."

Then Leafpool came along. She used her magic medicine cat powers to send Sparrowsong back home to her world and fixed everything. After that, Firestar woke up and realized that everything that happened in all the Warrior Cat books was just a dream, and he was still a kittypet named Rusty.

The End, or is it?

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